J.S. Park’s memoir, “We Are Made of Us: Uncovering Our Hidden Family Dynamics, Rewriting Our Stories, and Returning to Ourselves," is based on his decadelong chaplaincy at Tampa General Hospital.
The book weaves together stories from his career and upbringing with evidence-based research and trauma-informed care principles.
The son of Korean immigrants, Park grew up an atheist and went from being a psychology major in college, to a seminary and a church ministry for about seven years.
Park admitted that when he first started doing ministry, he felt like an outsider looking in.
“I thought, 'I don't understand how the pages of scripture led to American Christianity and the church as we see it',” he said.
That is, until someone told him about chaplaincy and being a pastor outside of the church at different places, like military bases and hospitals.
After he started his chaplaincy, he did a six-month internship at Tampa General, then a year-long residency. After those, he said he knew he found where he belonged.
The first time he walked into a hospital room to support a family who got bad news, he said everyone was crying and nearly throwing chairs, so he had to learned how to help them and "get more chairs."
Chaplains do not bring up religion first
“The biggest shift I’ve had to make as a chaplain is to enter a world as it is, not as I want it to be,” Park wrote.
Whenever Park enters a hospital room, he said he does not impose in the patient's life, but instead acclimates himself to the patient. He revealed that one of the rules of chaplaincy is to not bring up religion unless the patient does.
“I'm there to enter into their world, and very often they carry their own infrastructure, support and strengths that will guide them through their own trauma, their life that's now before and after,” he said.
It is also important for a chaplain to learn about different family dynamics.
“I found out when I visit a patient, I'm also visiting every person that ever poured into them, that mentored them, that taught them, that led them, that parented them,” Park said.
A family is like members of a heist
Park said he tries to quickly observe the family dynamic: the strong member being loud and the introverted member being quiet.
Each family member has a disposition that has emerged from the kind of dynamic they are in. Park had to identify these dispositions in order to fully support the grieving family.
Park has observed that more functional family members like to do administrative tasks, so he tries to empower them in their autonomy to do those tasks.
For the family members who need to feel, or they shut down and don't cry at all, Park honors that and respects where they are.
“If each person can respect each other's disposition, where they are, their survival skill set, that's how individual voices can collectively unite and actually be a family that grieves together,” Park said.
Park's first time entering a hospital room
During Park's first clinical as an intern, he was supposed to shadow the chaplain resident, but he ended up being on his own.
Park accompanied the physician as they broke the news to a family that had just lost their father. He shares that there were lots of tears, but he knew he belonged in that room.
As he listened to this family share stories about their loved one that had just died, it was like he was emerging from marble.
“I got to meet this person in death, and I got to see how important family is, how stories matter, how grief is not about letting go but letting in, about the story that needs to be told,” Park said.
Parks believes his story brought him to be a chaplain
Park just returned to his master’s in counseling program with the hopes of being both a therapist and a chaplain.
He said mental health professionals can reveal personal things about themselves as long as it will benefit the patient and help build trust.
Sharing his own stories to his patients helps to let them know that they are not alone, and helps the patient realize that the tragedy has happened to a professional, too, so they can talk about how to survive it.
“I think self disclosure, when done in a very measurable, healthy way, can be such a beautiful way for all of us to be able to stay not alone in this," Park said. “The person who looks like they have it all together, we don't. We will survive this together.”
This article was compiled from an interview conducted by Matthew Peddie for "Florida Matters Live & Local."
